(no subject)

Deal journal.
after a slight argument and misunderstandings turning into understandings i fell asleep tightly in danas arms as the rain washed the city out.
it was the greatest comfort i've had in a long time.
but he is still confusing, awkward and distanct we were so close once. now i just spend the night. and not even for sex. usually just sleep.
its me too. im farther from myself and farther from him. he wants me to be great. i will be.
i hope this guy lets me apprentice with him.
that would be exactly what i need. i could go somewhere looking like this with that.
dana awkwardly invited me to his work christmas party. like pulling teeth. like he just didn't want to go alone but i am not who hed really prefer to not be alone with.
i need to not feel so negatively. he is figuring shit out too.
i want to drink more. and have more sex.
and make art effortlessly and not wanna smoke a cigarette to admire. but i do.
i took a long walk.
i let the rain wash my soul today.
it was a good day.

(no subject)


dear journal.
today mom gave my a massage.
i almost cried.
i wanted her to mold me into something beautiful. mom why couldn't you just done this from the beginning when you birthed me...ahhh im asking for too much. shes a perfect woman, i love her.

then we drank wine. and did cry, to a sad song. but it wasn't the song it was our hearts.

tomorrow is michelles birthday.
im going to redo my 90's something hot.

it feels good to be back.

(no subject)

I draw sometimes
Don't do much
Think a lot
Changing everything
Don't know who I am or what I'm doing
But I'm doing something, stirring something
Losing something. Dangerous things, comfortable things.
My brain wants to quit but the body keeps going. Keeps fighting.
I owe it something.
picking us shattered glass to see myself again.
I'm just rambling until I bump into something worth feeling about.
My guts are twisting cutting off circulation to my brain these days. Good job guts.
I'm bored and lonely because I like to be alone.
The end of update.

(no subject)

the entry before this is from some time in july when i lived in washington.
i meant to say something like heres to michelle reviving this species.
you are great like barack obama
large steps my friends to this man, kind, thing
but after my failed lj attempt the first time, ive gotten all out of whacks.
my life is very different.
i am much to my amazement learning the depths of who i am.

alright. enough of this business.

wow i like how lj will save from last drafts. well i was in bad condition before i left washingtong.

so here i am working NOC at this nursing home.
getting spooked.
but i get to use this internet.

work is good. alright i guess, at least.
i haven't slept in two days.
which has become too easy. to just go through these days without sleep.
to go without sleep is worse then going without anything else.
i've layed down once this week.
how does that even happen
my brain needs a break

i just keep catching those second winds right when im about to crash and keep going.
i look pretty near death

i will get some sleep this afternoon.

thats all your getting at this time.

maybe i abuse this journal.

but thats what i need.
its so much easier to not say a word
and just let it out here.

i know im not the only one. and i feel for everyone whose lost anybody.
but its still so lonely.
because we are strong for everyone around us and suffer on our own.
and even worse is feeling that nobody cares. that nobody cares that the most beautiful person in the world is gone. and that i cant breathe from the pain every time i think of that every day.