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[21 Nov 2011|11:19pm]
feels like an oxymoron.
1 cmt / cmt

[20 Dec 2010|03:57am]
Deal journal.
after a slight argument and misunderstandings turning into understandings i fell asleep tightly in danas arms as the rain washed the city out.
it was the greatest comfort i've had in a long time.
but he is still confusing, awkward and distanct we were so close once. now i just spend the night. and not even for sex. usually just sleep.
its me too. im farther from myself and farther from him. he wants me to be great. i will be.
i hope this guy lets me apprentice with him.
that would be exactly what i need. i could go somewhere looking like this with that.
dana awkwardly invited me to his work christmas party. like pulling teeth. like he just didn't want to go alone but i am not who hed really prefer to not be alone with.
i need to not feel so negatively. he is figuring shit out too.
i want to drink more. and have more sex.
and make art effortlessly and not wanna smoke a cigarette to admire. but i do.
i took a long walk.
i let the rain wash my soul today.
it was a good day.

[03 Dec 2010|08:06pm]

dear journal.
today mom gave my a massage.
i almost cried.
i wanted her to mold me into something beautiful. mom why couldn't you just done this from the beginning when you birthed me...ahhh im asking for too much. shes a perfect woman, i love her.

then we drank wine. and did cry, to a sad song. but it wasn't the song it was our hearts.

tomorrow is michelles birthday.
im going to redo my 90's something hot.

it feels good to be back.
1 cmt / cmt

[01 Sep 2009|06:18am]
I draw sometimes
Don't do much
Think a lot
Changing everything
Don't know who I am or what I'm doing
But I'm doing something, stirring something
Losing something. Dangerous things, comfortable things.
My brain wants to quit but the body keeps going. Keeps fighting.
I owe it something.
picking us shattered glass to see myself again.
I'm just rambling until I bump into something worth feeling about.
My guts are twisting cutting off circulation to my brain these days. Good job guts.
I'm bored and lonely because I like to be alone.
The end of update.

[04 Nov 2008|10:26pm]
the entry before this is from some time in july when i lived in washington.
i meant to say something like heres to michelle reviving this species.
you are great like barack obama
large steps my friends to this man, kind, thing
but after my failed lj attempt the first time, ive gotten all out of whacks.
my life is very different.
i am much to my amazement learning the depths of who i am.

alright. enough of this business.
2 cmts / cmt

wow i like how lj will save from last drafts. well i was in bad condition before i left washingtong. [04 Nov 2008|10:24pm]
so here i am working NOC at this nursing home.
getting spooked.
but i get to use this internet.

work is good. alright i guess, at least.
i haven't slept in two days.
which has become too easy. to just go through these days without sleep.
to go without sleep is worse then going without anything else.
i've layed down once this week.
how does that even happen
my brain needs a break

i just keep catching those second winds right when im about to crash and keep going.
i look pretty near death

i will get some sleep this afternoon.

thats all your getting at this time.

[10 Feb 2007|10:51pm]
take a pill for health
take a pill for happiness
take a pill for sleep
2 cmts / cmt

maybe i abuse this journal. [27 Jan 2007|04:27pm]
but thats what i need.
its so much easier to not say a word
and just let it out here.

i know im not the only one. and i feel for everyone whose lost anybody.
but its still so lonely.
because we are strong for everyone around us and suffer on our own.
and even worse is feeling that nobody cares. that nobody cares that the most beautiful person in the world is gone. and that i cant breathe from the pain every time i think of that every day.
1 cmt / cmt

ya feel me [22 Jan 2007|08:20pm]
i dont know what it is.
but i dont like msyelf.
i dunno why but i hate myself.
and wish i were dead.
3 cmts / cmt

[22 Oct 2006|04:00am]
i feel empty and impossible to fill up.
5 cmts / cmt

[29 Sep 2006|01:32am]


warmup to music.


there was so much more to this day that i couldnt even put on a picture.
so i guess its just my secrets.

im tired.
peace out.
1 cmt / cmt

[23 Sep 2006|02:43am]
today i spent 400 $ on the crappiest camera i've ever owned.

yep it sucks very much.
i cant wait until my next day off so i can return that. slut piece of crap punk as bitch crap.
sums it up.
sudffr is very good music and the day was good.
2 cmts / cmt

too damn old. [31 Jul 2006|02:01am]
someone chained these shackles when i wasn't looking.
howd you like someone to tie rocks to your ankles.
i thought i was paralyzed.
im not scared its nothing but light and air.
the sky will fall.
and i will be without. gravity to hold me down.
long distance.
thats still the case.

the only thing you can count on a man for is to dirty his britches.
7 cmts / cmt

talk to me, or dont. [11 Jul 2006|03:42am]
o' pissy pants, you cry like a baby.
4 cmts / cmt

work is hard to do [11 Jul 2006|12:13am]
why are we all wasting so much time being alive.

go for a run. walking would do. wiggle a toe even not just a twitch.
would make him so grateful and happy to be alive.
but he doesn't complain . not once have i heard him cry or whine.
he calls me baby and says thank you. but my most is the least for him.
quadriplegic till he dies. and all he wants to do is live.
but not like this.

and next door hes being eaten by cancer.
without a bone to spare.
machines have replaced muscles.
and a fourth blood transfusion wouldn't last any longer then the others.
hes man enough to cry, god help me.
and i beg for god to hear him

and down the hall he's fallen twice.
and tonight will be his last.
and the nature sounds dont bring comfort to the smell of his own death.
or his gasping for breath.
someone distant is holding his hand.
at least till their shifts off.

then he'll be buried in a box
cuz nobody wants nothing to do with him.

ive wasted all day being alive.

when its time its time.
and im tired.
2 cmts / cmt

[09 Jul 2006|12:07pm]
white trashCollapse )

thank you, come again
3 cmts / cmt

until the day that i die [19 Jun 2006|05:07am]
i work and then i cant sleep and then i work some more.

and i aints even got any money.
2 cmts / cmt

makes me feel so fine, and helps to relieve the mind [15 Jun 2006|04:19am]

i went to a band practice.
there were some band members.
they are a success.
5 cmts / cmt

do me [08 Apr 2006|06:30pm]
do the link

seattle is good. and too far away.
im home friends. for good, i hope not.
5 cmts / cmt

[31 Mar 2006|03:55am]

it was a happy birthday matt

12 cmts / cmt

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