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[01 Sep 2009|06:18am] |
I draw sometimes
Don't do much
Think a lot
Changing everything
Don't know who I am or what I'm doing
But I'm doing something, stirring something
Losing something. Dangerous things, comfortable things.
My brain wants to quit but the body keeps going. Keeps fighting.
I owe it something.
picking us shattered glass to see myself again.
I'm just rambling until I bump into something worth feeling about.
My guts are twisting cutting off circulation to my brain these days. Good job guts.
I'm bored and lonely because I like to be alone.
The end of update.
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[04 Nov 2008|10:26pm] |
the entry before this is from some time in july when i lived in washington.
i meant to say something like heres to michelle reviving this species.
you are great like barack obama
large steps my friends to this man, kind, thing
;)
but after my failed lj attempt the first time, ive gotten all out of whacks.
my life is very different.
i am much to my amazement learning the depths of who i am.
alright. enough of this business.
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| wow i like how lj will save from last drafts. well i was in bad condition before i left washingtong. |
[04 Nov 2008|10:24pm] |
so here i am working NOC at this nursing home.
getting spooked.
but i get to use this internet.
work is good. alright i guess, at least.
i haven't slept in two days.
which has become too easy. to just go through these days without sleep.
to go without sleep is worse then going without anything else.
i've layed down once this week.
how does that even happen
my brain needs a break
i just keep catching those second winds right when im about to crash and keep going.
i look pretty near death
i will get some sleep this afternoon.
thats all your getting at this time.
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[10 Feb 2007|10:51pm] |
take a pill for health
take a pill for happiness
take a pill for sleep
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| maybe i abuse this journal. |
[27 Jan 2007|04:27pm] |
but thats what i need.
its so much easier to not say a word
and just let it out here.
i know im not the only one. and i feel for everyone whose lost anybody.
but its still so lonely.
because we are strong for everyone around us and suffer on our own.
and even worse is feeling that nobody cares. that nobody cares that the most beautiful person in the world is gone. and that i cant breathe from the pain every time i think of that every day.
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| ya feel me |
[22 Jan 2007|08:20pm] |
i dont know what it is.
but i dont like msyelf.
i dunno why but i hate myself.
and wish i were dead.
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[22 Oct 2006|04:00am] |
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i feel empty and impossible to fill up.
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[29 Sep 2006|01:32am] |
jonahlvis
warmup to music.
music.
there was so much more to this day that i couldnt even put on a picture.
so i guess its just my secrets.
im tired.
peace out.
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[23 Sep 2006|02:43am] |
today i spent 400 $ on the crappiest camera i've ever owned.
yep it sucks very much.
i cant wait until my next day off so i can return that. slut piece of crap punk as bitch crap.
sums it up.
sudffr is very good music and the day was good.
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| too damn old. |
[31 Jul 2006|02:01am] |
someone chained these shackles when i wasn't looking.
howd you like someone to tie rocks to your ankles.
i thought i was paralyzed.
im not scared its nothing but light and air.
the sky will fall.
and i will be without. gravity to hold me down.
long distance.
thats still the case.
the only thing you can count on a man for is to dirty his britches.
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| work is hard to do |
[11 Jul 2006|12:13am] |
why are we all wasting so much time being alive.
go for a run. walking would do. wiggle a toe even not just a twitch.
would make him so grateful and happy to be alive.
but he doesn't complain . not once have i heard him cry or whine.
he calls me baby and says thank you. but my most is the least for him.
quadriplegic till he dies. and all he wants to do is live.
but not like this.
and next door hes being eaten by cancer.
without a bone to spare.
machines have replaced muscles.
and a fourth blood transfusion wouldn't last any longer then the others.
hes man enough to cry, god help me.
and i beg for god to hear him
and down the hall he's fallen twice.
and tonight will be his last.
and the nature sounds dont bring comfort to the smell of his own death.
or his gasping for breath.
someone distant is holding his hand.
at least till their shifts off.
then he'll be buried in a box
cuz nobody wants nothing to do with him.
ive wasted all day being alive.
when its time its time.
and im tired.
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[09 Jul 2006|12:07pm] |
 ( white trash )
thank you, come again
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| until the day that i die |
[19 Jun 2006|05:07am] |
i work and then i cant sleep and then i work some more.
and i aints even got any money.
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[31 Mar 2006|03:55am] |
it was a happy birthday matt
?
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[24 Mar 2006|06:53pm] |
you know that feeling you get when someone makes you smile right after you have been crying.
you're face is read and puffy and its hard but you cant help it.
i've had that feeling all day.
only i didn't cry.
maybe a tear came out but it blended into a laugh
last night i had a beautiful dream of my brother.
i wont explain it cuz it wont come out right.
and when i was at the cemetary i realized today has been nine months.
his favorite number because it was magalys.
my sister can dance. she makes me proud.
what a lovely person she is on top of all her brains.
i miss angelo.
i wish we could have grown up happy.
i wish i had appreciated time more when i had him around.
thats all.
i just wanted you to know.
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| my dreams give you nightmares |
[23 Mar 2006|09:49pm] |
ive decided i hate heartbreaksss.
specially when its someone close..
and all i wanna say is "fo'get that bitch, she aint worth your time"
but truth is. she probably was. and she coulda been the best thing that ever happend to you.
and its okay to cry cuz damn, nobody wanna lose that either.
oops.
i am sick.
i thought i was better.
but alas the puke gods have called my name. and my face only got the toilet to talk to tonight.
honestly though i feel fine. but my stomache would argue that case. i do have ocassional blackouts and dizzy spells when i stand up.
i just dont understand most things.
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brain_damaged's journal
